Who Wants To Be A Necromancer!
by Moogle from Cyrodiil
Summary: One Lich. One chance at fame. One Game show. Hi, I'm Lichard Necroman and welcome to WHO WANTS TO BE A NECROMANCER! Even thought thr TV show ended, answers are coming to all of your unasked questions.
1. Who Wants To Be A Necromancer!

Who Wants To Be A Necromancer!

In the tenth year of Emperor Martin Septim's reign, some mages from the Arcane University invented a box that showed people records of recorded images. They named the 'box', the television. It was mostly used for military purposes until the fifteenth year of Martin's reign. In that year, a man called Lichard Necroman made the first game show. Lichard was a former guard in the Imperial Legion, until he became a lich. Upon entering lichdom, he was dishonorably discharged from his job and The Mages Guild, but before he left he learned of the television and had a great idea.

That year the lich asked for an audience with The Elder Council and his request was granted. He delivered his idea with eloquence. By the end of the audience, Chancellor Okato had laughed, cried and even threw up a little. Necroman's idea was to make a live game show called, 'Who Wants to be a Necromancer!'. Even though the idea was generally unaccepted, the Elder Council approved it and it started production.

Lichard was so happy he gave out lich-like screams of joy, which Chancellor Okato thought impossible. Lichard put up fliers to get people to sign up and held auditions with people who were cast out of the Mage's Guild. Once Lichard got ten people to be the contestants, he made the set and hundreds of questions about necromancy and the state of the empire. He also made twenty fastest-finger questions. In his spare time he would go outside of his Ayleidruins and sell tickets to the show. To his surprise, his first show was sold out. Even gods like, Talos, Mehrunes Dagon, Almalexia, and Sheogorath bought tickets. If the lich hadn't been floating, he would have jumped up and down with joy.

The day of the fist public television broadcast

Five minutes before the show, Lichard donned his aqua robes with his hood down. He glanced down the hallway that lead to the circular room that seated all two hundred members of the audience and started to walk down it. Once he got to the center, he went to his seat and his podium. Across from his podium was another one with another seat. And around that were ten seats that seated the ten contestants. Behind the contestants, was the audience and they were clapping as the strobe lights all landed on him. Then Lichard said, "Good evening, Ladies and Gentleman, Tribunal and Deadra, and Talos, I, Lichard Necroman, am happy to present to you, not only the first televised game show, but the first step in Lich rights. Well anyway we're here to play WHO WANTS TO BE A NECROMANCER!"

Everyone in the audience clapped really loudly. Lichard motioned with his hands for them to quite down as he started to talk again. "Our contestants are, Jauffre of Cloud Ruler Temple, Daniel Powter of New Kvatch, Nerevarine of Vvardenfell, Adoring Fan of the Imperial City, Ceviv of Vivec, Roland of Anvil, Wulf of Bravil, Hides-His-Eyes of Suran, Ocheeva of Cheydinhal, and Cor Vette of Skingrad.

" Now for our first ever fastest-finger question, put the Dremora in alphabetical order, starting from A to Z. A, Mehrunes Dagon. B, Malacath. C, Molag Bal. And D, Mephala." The song, 'I've got a Woman' by the every popular Ray Charles was played while the contestants picked their choices. The audience then started to swing dance as the music plays. When the song stopped, the audience got back in their seats and looks at Lichard. Lichard said, "The answer was, B, Malacath. A, Mehrunes Dagon. D, Mephela, and C, Molag Bal. Now let's see who did it in the least amount of time." All of the audience and the contestants look at the screen over the two podiums as their times appear. One of the names, starts to flash. Necroman then said, "We'll I guess our first contestant is…"

! Oh, looks like we're out of time for today, but if you want to know who I picked to play Who Wants To Be A Necromancer! you're going to need to review!

Help me help you by helping me and review

Moogle from Cyrodiil


	2. I forgot the Disclaimer

Whoops!

I forgot a disclaimer so:

I do NOT own anything from Oblivion. Not a single lich.


	3. Our Next Contestant is

Our First Contestant Is…

Disclaimer: I own Nada. Nilch. Nothing. Well, I own Lichard Necroman. That's all.

P.S. I know Almalexia is dead, but oh well, if she was alive and still crazy she'd go to see this. And someone told me that something was different at the end of the main quest and it didn't agree with my story, but I didn't finish the game yetso I can't correct it. Sorry.

_Recap_

_Necroman then said, "We'll I guess our first contestant is…"_

"… Wulf of Bravil!" Lichard said loudly. The whole audience clapped, except for Talos, who became visibly troubled. When Wulf arrived in front of the podium, Lichard gave Wulf a bony, butfirm handshake. Necroman went on to say, "Congratulations Wulf, you are our first contestant on 'Who Wants to Be a Necromancer!'. Come and sit down in front of the podium on this lovely seat given to us by the nice people from the ruins just north of Pelagiad."

Wulf then replied, "These are nice chairs. What are they made of?"

Lichard answered, "The finest mort flesh they could find."

Wulf gagged, and then regained his composure to listen to Lichard. Necroman than said, "There aretwelve question you must answer. With each correct answer you get a prize.Your prizestart at a human head, than your necromancy robe hood, then the robes and magic and so on. All of the prizes accumulate. If you get all twelve questions correct, I will give you the secrets to become a lich and all the stuff you earned. You won't have to half starve yourself to death to get some deadra to tell you like me and the other liched did. You also have three 'deadlines'. They are: Ask the Audience, Séance the dead, and the Fifty-Fifty. You can use each one once. At anytime you can take your items and run. So are you ready to play 'Who Wants to Be a Necromancer!'?"

"Why of course I'm ready Lichard!" replied Wulf.

"Then let's get ready to play 'Who Wants to Be a Necromancer!'! The lights that had been shining on the center now moved around the room and refocused on the center. Then Lichard said, "Here's our first question ever. The most important magic for a necromancer to study is, A, Illusion. B, Necromancy. C, Restoration, or D, Mysticism."

Wulf appeared to be thinking this over and then said, "I'll have to say, B, Necromancy."

Lichard asked, "Is that your final answer?"

"Yes" said Wulf

"Great because now you've just won A HUMAN HEAD! This head was found under the Anvil Light house. We call it 'Mother's Head'. Or at least the person we got it from called it that in his diary." Said Lichard. "Well on to question two. All liches are, A, alive. B, living. C, vampires, or D, undead."

Wulf thought this one out loud. "Hmmm. Well, they're not alive or living and I've never seen a vampire lich. So I guess I'll say D, undead."

"Is that your final answer?" Asked Necroman.

"Yeah, I think so." Replied Wulf.

"You're correct! Now you've won this authentic necromancers hood! The black heavy weight material is designed to comfort both living and undead heads." The crowd claps as Lichard continues, "Our next question is, what is the best place for a necromancer to study necromancy? A, Mournhold, near the Statue of Almalexia and Mehrunes Dagon. B, A deep dank cave full of rotting corpses, somewhere dark and spooky. C, The Imperial City, Market District, near The Best Defense or D, Up in the clouds with the Care Bears and Bright Heart the raccoon."

Wulf took his chin between his thumb and pointer finger and stroked it. Then He scratched his head and then he took the crook of his thumb and pointer finger and put it on his lips. After a minute of moving his hand though those motions he said, "I'd like to ask the audience."

Lichard then said, "Okay then, Audience please use the key pad that is located directly in front of you. You will see a screen that has the question and possible answers. Underneath that you will see four buttons. Each button has a letter on it. Press the button with letter that corresponds with the letter you think is right. Now I'll give you a minute to plug in your answer." The music of Bob Marley played as the audience pressed their buttons. Then the music stopped and Lichard said, "Here's the results, A has 13percent of the votes. B has 67 percent of the votes. C has 3 percent and D has 17 percent. So did this help any Wulf?"

Wulf replied, "Yeah I was stuck between B and D so this helped."

Lichard's jaw dropped, literally. As he leaned down to collect his jaw, he thought, _exactly how dumb ARE these people. Care Bears and Necromancers together? Blasphemy! We're, like enemies. Maybe the lad got whacked on the head one time too many. What about the audience... There's no way ANYONE here can get the last question right.Oh well, I'm okay with that._Lichard placed his jaw in its sockets. Wulf then asked, "Are you okay, Lichard?" Necroman nodded as Wulf continued, "Well, I'll go with B Lichard."

"You're correct!" said Lichard, "You've just won a Necromancer's robe! The black nylon exterior is enchanted to repel blood stains and smells. There's also a design on the front of the robe. The design is an insignia taken from robes of ancient necromancers. Now you are at one of the four "Save Spots". After three questions, you have a minimum of leaving with these items. The robe, hood, and head our now yours. So now let's learn a little about you. You weren't alwaysin Bravil, where you?"

Wulf answered, "I was born in Bravil, but then I went to Vvardenfell when I was thirty and spent a good amount of time in Ghostgate. I can't remember what I did there, but after that I spent some time with some ash vampires. Not much time though. They really didn't like Imperials or Outlanders very much. I still have scars that they gave me. Then I returned to safe and beautiful Cyrodiil. "

Lichard looked down at some note cards and fliped though them then said "My cards tell me that you only worship Talos and Azura. Why?"

Wulf smiled as he said, "Well, I worship Talos because he shows us that mortals can become Gods and Azura because she is awesome."

Lichard turns around in his chair and looks at Talos and says, "I think you should give this guy your autograph. You know he could have looked at the Tribunal to see that mortals can become Gods, but he went to the Imperial temple to find it. Well anyway on to our next set of questions …"

TO BE CONTINUED

Oh if you have any ideas for questions about necromancy, tell me. It takes time to think of them. Well review to find out the next 3-6 questions.

Remember

Help me help you by helping me and reviewing.

Moogle from Cyrodiil


	4. Care Bears and Fits of Crazy

Care Bears and Fits of Crazy

Disclaimer: I don't own the broadcasting network that made Who Wants to Be a Millionaire! or Elder scrolls: Oblivion, or Jeriticus, or One question. Those defiantly belong to someone else. Oh and I don't own Care Bears or their cousins (I like little orange leos!). Finally, I don't have the rights to my American Pie parody. Wow that's a mouthful

Thank You to:

Kiriu

M'aiq the Liar

Couldn't have been so long without you.

_Recap:_

_Well anyway on to our next set of questions …"_

"Here's our fourth question." Said Lichard as some dramatic music chimed in. The lights in turn moved around the audience to refocus in on the podiums. Then Lichard continued, "What type of soul gem do necromancers use? A, Petty. B, Black. C, Lesser, or D, Common."

Wulf thought this one out loud. "Hmm, well the use of petty and lesser soul gems seems beyond the arrogant, selfish, rude, snobbish, second definition of sadistic, and cruel race that are necromancers. Common or Black. Decisions, decisions. Well I think I'll choose D, Common."

Lichard said, "Is that your final answer?"

"Umm, you know what, it isn't. There's this gut feeling inside of me that tells me if I pick this someone who doesn't want me to win will be very happy," answered Wulf, "so I'll choose B, Black."

"Is this your final answer?"

"Yeah... No, wait. What if this someone doesn't want me to win because I'll do something stupid if I win? What if I get in trouble with Arch Mage Traven again? What if he kills me, or worse, what if I kill myself?" Rambled Wulf.

Lichard put his bony hand over his eyes and slid it down his face and said, "When you become a lich, you become undead. That's kind of like killing ones self." Lichard's mind mused, _What do they teach kids these days? How to carve wood and skip stones? Talos help them._

Not more that a second later Lichard hear some words in his hollow skull. It went something like this, "Lichard, I'm right over here. If you wanted to ask for my help you could have just told me, I mean everyone prays for help, but you have the honor to ask me face to face. Don't you think I'd take care of that first instead of those people who pray to me? Oh well now you know. By the way, your prayer is number 8,279,784,021 (Eight trillion, Two hundred seventy-nine, seven hundred eighty-four thousand, twenty-one) on a list of 8,279,784,022 (Eight trillion, Two hundred seventy-nine, seven hundred eighty-four thousand, twenty-two) thank you for waiting."_ Whoa, that was _weird, Thought Lichard.

_Yeah_, thought Talos.

Wulf replied, "Liches kill themselves? Whoa, that was weird, I did not know that, but I'll go with B, Black final answer."

"You're correct. Now you've won SUMMON HEADLESS ZOMBIE! SAID This headless zombie will clean your laundry, make your bed, take the dog outside, and kill bothersome rodents for a small amount of magicka. He's also a good listener. Once my zombie listened to me drone on for hours about this play called _Three Liches and a Necromancer in an Ayleid Temple_. Well on to question five. Who Is responsible for lich rights? A, Mehrunes Dagon. B, Brave Heart, the Care Bear Cousin. C, Jeriticus Corbala II, or D, Fredrico Magelen Bartimus Ritardando Feracera MXII (sixty second?)?" Droned Lichard.

Wulf sighed as he thought. Then he asked, "Can you tell me that time it is, Lichard?"

Lichard replied, "About 7:35 Wulf."

"No not what minute, what second it is." Replied Wulf as if that's what most people ask for when they ask for the time.

"Umm, about 37 seconds after 7:35" Responded Lichard.

"C, Jeriticus Corbala II. Final answer. This method _never_ fails."

Wulf had this look about him now. It was as if he was so positive this would work, that he might die if he was wrong. Then Necroman said, "Whatever you did, I advise you to do it again because YOU'RE ABSO-BLOODY-LUTELY RIGHT! Now you've won a spooky music player! It plays songs that make all adventurers scared and all the girl liches will swoon over you. That second one is a proven fact. Sadly, there aren't many girl liches. Oh well, now on to question six, but before we get to that we have this lovely commercial break. See you after the break!" said Lichard.

The Director said, "Cut!" really loud and the whole audience broke out into conversation with the people sitting next to them. Lich got out of his seat and put one hand at the small of his back. Then the most disturbing noise came. It was the horrible noise of a lich cracking his back and sounded like thousands of little children screaming in pain in unison. The room was dead quite for the remainder of the four minutes as Lichard cracked every bone in his body. When he sat down, the audience clapped at lack of the foul noise. Many people shouted things like, "Praise Akatosh" or, "By Azura he stopped!"

Lich mumbled to himself, "I knew they wouldn't have to queue in the audience in if I did that." He looked very triumphant as he said, "Welcome back to Who Wants to Be a Necromancer! Hey um Wulf, how did you choose your answer for the last question?" inquired Lichard.

"Well when I was a little boy my math teacher, what was her name? Mrs. Slowmo, Pogo? Lowko? No it was Mrs. Yoho. That was it. Anyway, she said 'Now y'all hear me, yeah ya in da back list-ten up! Yous is tak'in dis here Standa-dised test. Now if yo fo-get da an-sa, look tows dat der cwock. See da secon 'and? If id between twelve an tree, da answers A. If it between tree an six, it B, six an nine, C and nine an twelve, D. It a-ways works. I swear if it don work y'all gonna die.' I remember it as if it were yesterday." Wulf replied

"Wow, I didn't know you went to school, well anyway. Question Six. What doesn't a lich have, A, Bones. B, Magic. C, Willpower, or D, a beating heart inside their chest cavity, somewhere underneath their ribcage."

Wulf was in deep thought. The questions just seemed to keep getting harder each and every time, but Wulf was sure he knew what to do. It was time to pull out life line number two. "Um, Lichard, can I séance the dead?"

Lichard again lost his jaw. When he got it, it started foaming. Then he said, "You sure, I mean- it's, it's. Glah rag Cher Brit ney crazy opps, I did it again!" When he said "again" Wulf came in with him, "I played with your heart, got lost in the game." Then when he stopped singing, the audience sang, "Oh baby, baby." The whole place clapped and whooped, except for lich who wiped the foam from his mouth and regained his composure. He laced his finger, which were still out stretched, and pulled his palms outward. The cracking of his four fingers quieted them all down. Then Lichard said in a calm voice, "Who would you like to séance, Wulf?"

Wulf kind of stared at him, blinked once, then said, "Brave Heart the lion. You know the Care Bear Cousin? He's the orange one."

_What's it with him and the Care Bears_, thought Lichard then as he was about to speak, someone shouted, "The Care Bears live forever!" That was Lichard's last straw. He said some word in an odd language and the poor Altmer was turned into a…a Bosmer. That's worst kind of Mer ever. They're annoying, and they think they're not, which only makes them more annoying. The poor Altmer/Bosmer ran out crying.

Lichard took a deep breath, then said, "Wulf, hold my hands and think of Brave Heart."

In between Lichard's and Wulf's Hands came an image of an orange lion. After thirty seconds, he materialized, and said, "This isn't Care-A-Lot? Where am I? Wait, Wulf, is that you? Is it really you?" asked the orange lion.

"Yeah it's me old buddy. I missed you. Remember that time where you helped me, well, can you do it again?"

"Sure I can buddy. What do you need?"

Lichard said, "Hi I'm Lich Necroman and Wulf here needs your help. Wulf will read you a question, and you'll have thirty seconds to help him out. Are you ready, Wulf? Your time starts…now."

"Hey, um Brave Heart, What doesn't a lich have, A, Bones. B, Magic. C, Willpower, or D, a beating heart inside their chest cavity, somewhere underneath their ribcage."

"D, it's D. Definitely D. So how's it been going? You know being dead is kind of fun."

Wulf and Brave Heart engaged in conversation until the thirty seconds were over.

When their time was over, they said their goodbyes and the lion vanished. Once the lion was completely gone, Wulf said, "D, final answer, man I miss my lion."

"You're correct and you've just one a master's alchemy set. This includes a mortar & pestle, alembic, calcinator, and retort. Each has a lifetime guarantee. Well, you're at another save spot. You cannot leave here with less than this. Now let's take some more time to learn about you, Wulf."

"What do you want to know?" replied Wulf.

"Well how did you come to like Care Bear Cousins so much?" inquired Lichard.

"That's an easy one Lichard," said Wulf, "When I was five years old, I got lost in Bravil near the Lady Luck. Then someone talked to it and it answered back. That was freaky. Then I got really scared and screamed. The guy who talked to the statue saw me and chased me. Luckily, I was much faster and I hid underwater near the bridge to Castle Bravil. He ran across, but now I was drowning. I was only five and could barely swim. Then an orange lion pulled me out, resuscitated me, and put me on his back and took me home. He even waited for me to wake up before he left. He left me his address so I sent him cards and we became close friends and pen pals (in you heads, queue music for American pie, end of verse to chorus).

"That is until the day, the lion died.

I started singin, bye, bye mister lion guy,

Took my quiver to the river, but the river was dry,

Them good old Khajiits were drinking whiskey and rye,

Singin this will be the way that I lie, this will be the way that I lie."

"Wow, you should really write an autobiography about your life. It's really… interesting. I now have a greater appreciation for Care Bears and their cousins. I'm going to buy my self a t-shirt. Well, on to question seven…"

Wow I think I might have overplayed Lichard's anger their. That's why at the end he's buying their t-shirts. I'm sorry for poor Wulf here. He's had such a hard life and now I'm making it a lot worse. Maybe I'll make it a tad easier on him; I mean he only has one Dead Line left.

Help me help you by helping me and reviewing.

Moogle form Cyrodiil


	5. New Goddesses and Tall Shadows

New Goddesses and Tall Shadows

Disclaimer: I own Lichard. That's it. Nothing else. Don't sue me. I'm too young to be bankrupted by big time companies. I don't own any televised productions, or any computer games. I don't even own the chair I sit on when I type.

_Recap_

"_Well, on to question seven…"_

"What is the main ingredient in the 'Elixir of Exploration'? A, mort flesh. B, Daedroth Teeth. C, Nirnroot, or D, S'jirra's Famous Potato Bread."

Wulf's eyes glossed over for a second. Then he convulsed violently in his chair. That lasted for a minute until he answered, "Hmm, well, I don't think that it's either A or B, those thing are daedric, this looks more like an Ayleid thing. I'm not too sure about D; it seems like a new thing, this potato bread does. So, I'll go with C, Nirnroot."

_Did he get smarter? Did that Care Bear Cousin mess with his mind? What was that he just did? I can't believe he actually posses the powers of deduction and thought! What a miracle. Praise Brave Heart, _Thought Lichard. Then, he said, "Is that your final answer?"

"Yes, it is Lichard." replied Wulf. Lichard noted that there was something different about this Wulf. He seemed… well, smarter, more alert, and less stupid. Lichard was starting to like the new Wulf. _This one might be able to win. I'm making this deduction after one question? Maybe he's absorbing my intelligence. You little cheat why, I'm gonna get you. After you win, I'm gonna go into your ruins and…and, I don't know, but I'll do something._

"Your correct New Wulf. You've just won a twenty-six piece set of the Encyclopedia of Necromancy International. It has the most up to date information you will need to know to make all those creepy potions we make, and all about daedric Gods and all that other good stuff. Now, question eight, to unlock the magical properties of a skull, one must, what? A, Smash it into small pieces. B turn it into bonemeal with a simple necromancy spell. C, It's already magical to the trained alchemist, or D, Skulls are not magical." said Necroman.

"Hmm, I'd like to use the Fifty-Fifty Lichard. If my hypothesis is correct I will have a better chance of finding the correct answer if I take two wrong answers away. I have much contemplated the use of this Death Line. I now have deducted that if I use it now, it will further me onto question nine. So please Lichard, enlighten the audience and me on which two answers are frauds." Wulf stated that speech as a scientist would state a new scientific theory to a board of science geeks, like he actually understood the gibberish he was saying.

Then Lichard just sat there looking at New Wulf. He was amazed. He was stunned. Lichard's mouth mandible moved up and down like he was trying to talk, but just couldn't. He raised his hand and pointed at New Wulf. Then he shook his head and said, "Umm, computer take away two of the wrong answers." Then on the screens in front of Lichard and New Wulf B and C were taken out. "The computer has taken away B and C, Wulf, did this help you any?"

"Yes, it did Lichard. I'll go with D, Skulls are not magical, Lichard. That was what I thought it was from the beginning. I knew that there were no spells in necromancy that turn bones into bonemeal. My alchemy skills are mediocre, so I thought I'd take the Fifty-Fifty to take out answer C. I am very fortunate that this answer was taken out. I might have lost. Well, am I correct, Mr. Necroman?" said New Wulf in that science-like voice.

"Yes, you are Wulf. You have now won, 'Necromancer's Moon'. I believe it tells you how to make black soul gems. Those are very useful. I suggest you make many of them. I even used them when I was alive. They were one of the reasons that I was given a dishonorable discharge. Well on to question…" Lichard stopped taking and just stared at New Wulf. He was morphing into, a girl with long hair and red eyes. Then when she stopped, she looked like a daedric goddess. _Wait. Didn't I hear about that Nocturnal and Sheogorath had a kid a couple years back? Crap, this is why Sheogorath is here! I really, _really_ didn't want to do an exorcism today. Not for Wulf, not against the daughter of Sheogorath. For all I know they planned this to cause disarray on my show. I _can't _let them unleash their insanity here. I _will_ stop them._

At this Lichard got out of his chair and started chanting. He made his lich like screams and spread glow dust around her/Wulf. Then he cast a simple fire spell on the glow dust and said, "Be gone, Daughter of Sheogorath. Be gone, Daughter of Nocturnal. I banish you back to the audience with your father, Sheogorath and out of poor Old Wulf. BE GONE!" Thunder came from his fingers and took the demon out of Wulf and into one of the vacant seats next to Sheogorath. There Sheogorath and the unnamed daedra hugged and Sheogorath patted his little girl on the head.

"Well, that was awkward. Was I possessed all this time?" Asked Old Wulf.

"No I came into you a little after the seventh question. It was my first demonic possession ever. It was just as wonderful as Daddy said it was. By the way, my name is Lunatic. Don't think I can't read do you? Yeah, I can see you Moogle. Don't be so mean to poor Wulf over here, and don't put those thoughts into Lichard's head."

Everyone was looking at Lunatic. _What is she talking about,_ thought Lichard, _Who's Moogle? What is it? I must investigate into this matter. Maybe Mephala has a sister or brother… One thing is certain, Lunatic is Sheogorath's daughter._

"Lunatic what did you say about Moogle putting thoughts into my head? Is Moogle a daedra like you?" Lichard said.

"Foolish Lich, don't pester me, or I will leave and start calamity everywhere you go and drive your show into the ground." Lunatic replied.

"Well um, okay. It's nice to have you back, Old Wulf. So do you wish to continue play? I understand if you don't." Lichard inquired.

"I'll continue, but what's this "old Wulf thing your doing? It's freaking me out." replied Old Wulf.

"Well, involuntarily I started calling you 'New Wolf' when Lunatic was in you. So now I'm calling you 'Old Wulf'," said a very sad Lichard. He liked New Wulf. Go back to the Care Bear freak. You _win some you lose some, right?_ " Well on to question nine. What type of souls do black soul gems capture? A, People souls. B, Rat souls. C Troll souls, or D, They don't carry souls they carry pokémon."

"Hmm, I don't think it's A or B. I can get those with regular soul gems. Maybe it's pokémon. I've always wondered how I was supposed to carry Mew." Wulf thought out loud.

"Mew? What's Mew?" asked Lichard.

"Well, Mew is a physic pokémon who is really cut and plush. He's pink but can kill you with a thought. You know that Akatosh thing that Martin became to light the Dragonfires? Well, Mew could have done that too. I told the council that Mew could of done that because, Mew is also a Septim. See Talos had a son with Azura, but the mortal, daedric and divine blood mutated their son, whom he named Medford, was transported to Kanto. At that time he looked like a furry bear-cat. The travel though the Space-time continuum mutated him even further. Then when he reached Kanto he was given psychic powers.

"Then some scientist got a piece of him and made Mew Two. Medford thought his name should have been Tiber Septim the second, but Mew Two said, 'there was no such thing a Cyrodiil.' Then Medford made an army of bulbasours and they opened another tear in the Space-time continuum that transported them to Black Marsh. The bulbasours evolved to ivysours and lived there tormenting the Argonians. Then Mew met me in Maar Gan when I was with the vampires. He saved me and ever since we've been trying to get him his rightful seat on the Septim throne."

"So you want to carry the lost heir to the Septim line in a black soul gem?" asked Lichard.

"No, not really, he said, 'In Kanto, pokémon are (mew) carried in balls they call 'pokéballs' and they (mew) are quite spacious and comfortable (mew). I've always wanted to have one.' Ever since then, I've been trying to find one. So I came here to see if a spell in necromancy could get me one." replied Wulf.

"Is D your answer?"

"No, Mew told me pokéballs are the only things that can carry pokémon. He also told me black is bad. I think that taking people's souls is bad. So that means that if there was a soul gem for people's souls, it would probably be black. My answer is A, people's souls. Final answer." replied Wulf.

_So he _does _posses the powers of deduction and thought! As I said before, praise Brave Heart,_ thought Lichard. Then he said, "Your correct! You've just won a black soul gem! With this you can hold the souls of men, women, and children. One soul per gem. I can't believe you made it this far, Wulf. I really thought you would have gone really early on. How do you feel now?"

"Well honestly, I feel sad. This show made me see my best friend, Brave Heart, but it also took him away and made me tell you about Medford. Wait. This is airing as we speak, right? Ocato, Ocato! Can you hear me? Well I have Medford's paternity test right here! See? I got some of Talos's blood from his armor at Sancre Tor and Medford got Azura's hair from Hircine (how? He doesn't know)! Let your true emperor take his thrown!" Wulf yelled this to the camera man to his left. Then the cameras went off as a huge dark shadow fell over Wulf.

What's the shadow? Why do I get off topic in my stories? Why did Tiber Septim name his son Medford? All to be answered in the next chapter. If not the next chapter, the chapter after that. Review to fuel my muse. I will not write next week because I'm on vacation and will not have a computer.

Help me help you by helping me and reviewing.

Moogle from Cyrodiil

We can do it!


	6. Do You Want to Be a Necromancer?

Do You Want to Be a Necromancer?

Disclaimer: I own nothing, except, maybe, Lichard Necroman. Maybe. I'm not entirely sure.

Thanks you Lycanthropic Nerev. Your reviews influenced me to dedicate this chapter to you. Have a fishy stick. (That's my phishy steek)

Y

Author Note

I was going to have the shadow be Talos, but in the end I went with the original. Maybe I'll post all my bloopers at the end. Or maybe not. Only you can decide.

_Recap: Then the cameras went off as a huge dark shadow fell over Wulf._

Wulf started to notice the light darken on him, like a shadow falling over the grass. Wulf started shaking from fright. _Is…is this Talos? Oh my God, isn't he here, in the audience? Crap, I forgot about that! Crappy crap crappers!_ Wulf closed his eyes as he started to turn around.

Right before he opened his eyes, the most demonic voice he had ever heard said, "You insolent little fool. Stop your ranting. I will finish my first show and it will be honorable and presentable! If you ruin it with your ludicrously insane ranting, I will kill you before your pathetic life ruins someone else's. Do you understand? Do you? If you value your pathetic existence you call a life, you will sit back in your chair and answer the freaking questions! Sit!"

Wulf opened his eyes to see Lichard, but something was different. He looked, ferocious and more blood thirsty, kind of like a wereshark. In fact, on the back of his spine grew a…a fin. Then Lichard transmogrified. His bones elongated and his feet became fins. His skull became cone shaped. His small molars became sharp canines. He had become the skeleton of a wereshark. He started to flop around on the floor like a fish out of water, wait; he _was_ a fish out of water.

Then the door burst open. Out came a Khajiit with a colovian fur helm on his head. Instead of a sword on his side, he had calipers. Then the stylish Khajiit said, "M'aiq knows much tells some. Did M'aiq tell you about weresharks? Very dangerous." Then M'aiq ran out of the building.

The wereshark that was Lichard then said in that horrible demonic voice, "Put me in my chair. We have a show to finish; by the way, can you get me one of my slav…" Lichard remembering he wasn't in Vvardenfell anymore corrected himself in saying, "servants of unpaid servitude for after this commercial? Thanks."

Wulf was now curled on the floor hugging and rocking himself. Four members of the camera crew came over and took the shark and put him in his chair. The producer came over and helped Wulf into his.

The contestant and the host looked very uncomfortable sitting in the chairs. Lichard was bent into an awkward position and Wulf was fearful for his pathetic existence he called a life. The camera men went to their cameras and turned them on. Then they started production again.

Then, Wulf cried out, "Oh gods, come into me, please? Pretty please with sugar and sprinkles on top? I really don't want to remember this!"

The ever so thoughtful Lunatic then stated, "Gods only possess people who will help to better them. See, you bettered my by teaching me how to do it, but you've been possessed so many times, you're like an old horse. Sure, you're good to learn on, but you want a young one if you already know how to ride. Daddy I'm leaving." With that Lunatic exploded. And a little yellow light left through one of the cracks in the ceiling.

Lichard paid no mind to the events just mentioned. He was staring hungrily at this Dunmer. If he had eyes, you would have been able to see the bloodlust in them, but alas he had none. Then Wulf meekly questioned, "Lichard are you a-awake? We're g-going to continue the show, r-right?"

Lichard jerked his head a little. Then said in that evil voice, "Yes, let's continue on to question nine. What compound can simulate death? A, Langourwine. B, Pineapple. C Ginkgo Leaf, or D, Lichor."

Wulf was in contemplation. It seemed he was arguing with himself. Then he said, "I don't know what a pineapple is, so I won't say that. A, C, or D, C? Choices choices. I'll go with A. Final answer."

Lichard was barely paying attention. Someone in the audience coughed and then Lichard remembered he was on a game show. The wereshark then said, "Yeah, that's right. You've won because I'm in pain and stuff and I want to call it quits for today. Congratulation. You've won a scholarship program at U.Va in necromancy and I'll tell you what to do. Just let me eat that girl over there. She looks so tasty!"

The people in that general direction looked at the only girl that was in that section. She looked like a Dark Elf and was about twenty-five years old. Then Lichard wriggled out of his chair and started flopping towards her. She was trying to run away, but the men sitting around her were extremely obese Nords and Altmer. She just started praying to all the gods that were present at the show to help her.

Then Talos got up and out of his chair and flew over the crowd of people and landed in front of the wereshark. He then said, "Lichard, I let you bring my body host to the stand, I let you butcher him with your comments and all this other stuff, but I will not stand for the devouring of innocent lives." With that said Talos

Made a whistle that no one except the wereshark and an unknown organism could hear. That organism flew here and broke through the roof. It was Medford. Medford's huge black eyes widened a little bit more then he said, "Is that (mew) you? Daddy? Daddy!"

The mew went over and hugged his true father, Talos, and they started whispering to each other. Then Mew nodded and hovered over the wereshark. Then Talos said, "Medford, use physic!"

Then Medford carried Lichard and put him in Abecean Sea. There Medford put an enchantment on Lichard to take down all pirate ships that would set anchor outside of Anvil.

Wulf was sad and afraid. In the short span of a minute the host of the show had: Tried to eat someone, fought Medford, and had been flown out of the building by Medford. What was happening? Then Wulf said, "Talos, you can keep Medford. I'll just leave now. Maybe I can catch a stilt strider or something to Hammerfell. It's been nice being with you. I'll miss you. Bye."

A tear sprung from Wulf's eye. Then Talos said, "Wait, Wulf. I feel bad for screwing up your life. Do you want to come and live with me and Medford for the rest of eternity? It's the least I can do. Medford's told me you've been good to him. So, do you wish to join the light side? Become a demi-god? Or do you prefer to be a lich? The choice is yours, Wulf Platypus Haj-Ei, choose wisely."

Almost instantly Wulf answered, "I'll go with you."

Then Medford came back and took Talos's and Wulf's hand. Then Wulf and Talos held hands and they started to levitate and spin. The spinning became faster and faster until this big 'Boom' was heard. Then they were gone.

Then Jauffre got out of his seat and said, "What do we do now?"

Ocheeva replied, "Go home and rest. There is much work to be done tomorrow." With that Ocheeva got out of her chair and exited._ Yes, tomorrow I purify the sanctuary._

Jauffre was sad. It had been his life long dream to go to U.Va (University of Virginia). The others must not have known about the secret under ground world the liches had created over the years called 'Virginia'. _Well now I have a dream to search for it the rest of my days._

Hides-His-Eyes said, "How dose young imperial have my name? I am Haj-Ei! Thank you mother of Haj-Ei for being so creative in naming Haj-Ei. Stupid imperial have Haj-Ei's name. Disgrace, disgrace…" The Argonian kept on ranting about that.

All of the contestants, audience members, crew, and staff left, except for Hides-His-Eyes, who continued ranting about his name. In fact, if you go there you will find the skeleton of an Argonian standing there and speaking to no one. Many travelers have died listening to his ranting. In fact, when the Nerevarine needed to find a way to kill Alamexia, she took her to listen to him. She died soon after.

It's over. It's finished. Like I said at the top, maybe I'll post some chapters that never made the cut. Maybe I'll write auditions.

Help me help you by helping me and reviewing.

How Talos named Medford.

You know that space-time continuum thing? Well Talos used it to go to Connecticut. There he saw the cute little town of Medford. There was also this huge dog called Medford. So when his son looked like a bear-cat, he named it Medford.

Why I get off topic.

I blame Male teachers. I've had so many and no matter what subject it is, they get off topic and start talking about 'Star Wars' and stuff.

To finish off this series I will give you a quote that pretty much sums this up. I think it a little oxymoronic myself, but:

"Viva the Undead…yeah"

M'aiq the Liar

P.S. In this one, for the sake of me and unnecessary review space, let's say Lucien picked Ocheeva, okay? I'm glad we're all clear on this.

Can you just imagine it? Silencer Ocheeva

Roflcopter!


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